Virtually Connected: The New World of Facebook Friendship
Imagine someone on the street coming up to you and offering you $1000 to list all of your friends. Who would you name? Do you include the person you shared your pudding with in first grade? What about the barista you exchange niceties with every morning? Does your mother count as one of your friends? What about your nieces and nephews? The meaning of friendship differs from person to person and relationship to relationship, depending on whom one asks. Even the good people at dictionary.com can’t come up with a single definition for friend, stating, “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard”, “a person who is on good terms with another”, and “a member of the same nation, party, etc.”, all of which provide extremely different connotations for the word. The meaning of friendship is expanding even more now that we’re living in the digital world of online social networks that have become so popular today. The most common understanding of friendship is that friends are the people you confide in and make time to physically see. Through the connection of social networks, the term “friends” has become much broader, encompassing people you talk to daily, people you haven’t spoken to in years, and people you might not even personally know.
Facebook.com, created by former Harvard undergrad Mark Zuckerberg with the intent to replace printed “face books” containing pictures and information about incoming college students, exploded onto the web in 2004. Today, the site has invaded most American universities (and several international ones), opened its doors to anyone with a valid e-mail address, and connected people from all over the world (Lupsa, 2006). But it has also changed how we as humans envision friendship. Anyone to whom Facebook user connects is called a “friend”, regardless of their actual relationship. In perusing my personal Facebook “friends” list, I found people I went to high school with but never spoke to, people I randomly met once, girls I lived on the same floor with freshman year but never really liked, kids that attended the same leadership conference as me, family members, and quite frankly some people that I don’t even like. All of these people are classified as “friends”, but I feel as if my actual relationships with them are not ones of friendship. Internet social networks like Facebook have redefined friendship based on the digital world as opposed to the physical, and have allowed people to sustain connections that would otherwise not be in place.
danah boyd, a PhD candidate at the iSchool at UC Berkely and a Fellow at Harvard Law School’s Berkman Center for Internet and Society, broaches the topic of “Friendship” in her 2006 paper “Friends, Friendsters, and MySpace Top 8: Writing Community Into Being on Social Network Sites”. While the paper does not explicitly discuss Facebook, many of her ideas and theories apply to social networks in general, and can be seen on different users’ Facebook profiles. Boyd first argues that the meaning of friendship tends to differ from the physical to the digital world, although not in every case. On social networking sites such as Facebook or MySpace, the term “friend” overrides all relationships. Instead of being someone’s boyfriend or sister, all relationships are clumped under the title “friend” (boyd, 2006). While Facebook does continue to call all connected users “friends”, there is the option of specifying how one knows another, but in my personal experience most users ignore it. Quite frankly, it takes too much effort to think about all the ways you’re connected to another person when the “Skip this step” button is right in front of you. Even connections to people we don’t particularly like are termed as friendships, mainly because there are no other options. A logical-thinking human that has never experienced Facebook may be wondering what point there is in establishing a connection with someone you don’t even like. Boyd covers this topic in her paper, and lists a variety of reasons, including “It would be socially inappropriate to say no because you know them”, “Having lots of Friends makes you look popular”, “It’s the only way to see a private profile”, and my personal favorite, “It’s easier to say yes than no” (boyd, 2006). The first quoted reason seems interesting, because there is in fact a difference between the physical and digital worlds. However, for some people, the two are intertwined in such a way that the “snub” of a denied friend request leads to a real life grudge. As boyd explains, whoever sent the request then falls at the behest of the recipient, who is faced with the option to “confirm” or “ignore” (on Facebook specifically). The request remains until the recipient chooses one of the options. When a request is denied, the sender, while not blatantly notified, can assume that the request has been ignored when the pages are not connected. It is possible to just not respond to a request, but the notification then remains on the user’s homepage until a response is given, and in the digital world, it’s considered rude to not immediately respond (boyd, 2006). The virtual rejection can lead to real-life conflict when the sender and the recipient come across each other outside the realm of Facebook.
In the physical world, we fall back on the term “friendship” in order to refrain from hurting anyone’s feelings. The same is done in the digital world by just accepting anyone’s friend request (“It’s easier to say yes than no”). While at first this seems rather absurd, anyone that is a Facebook user should think about how many times they’ve clicked “confirm” rather than “ignore” on a friend request because they simply could care less. Boyd points out that many times it actually is just easier to friend someone than to deal with the drama that comes from declining a friend request (boyd, 2006). In some cases, a face-to-face encounter between the rejected and the rejecter can result in an awkward question and answer session about exactly why a request was ignored. Rather than dealing with the possible backlash, some users (myself included) simply accept others as Friends without a second thought. Another option is to just not care about potential consequences of denying a friend request, and ignoring anyone you don’t like or don’t know. Most people can conclude and acknowledge that their broach of “friendship” has been refused, but for some, acceptance is not in the cards. I’ve recently begun ignoring friend requests from people that really have no reason to be “friending” me. For example, a student from my high school that is a senior this year with my younger brother (but whom my brother has never been friends with) recently requested to be my Facebook friend. I found this to be rather comical, but absurd at the same time, because having never spoken to the boy, I really have little knowledge of him other than his name. So, figuring that I would never really have to deal with the consequences of my actions, I ignored his request. The next day, when I did my morning ritual of “wake up and immediately get on Facebook”, I had another friend request waiting for me. Lo and behold, it was the same boy, who apparently did not get the picture that I didn’t particularly care to be his Friend. Being the stubborn individual that I am, I ignored the request again, and being the stubborn individual that he apparently is as well, he requested me again. We’ve been playing this little game for a few days now, and I think he may have finally realized that no, I do not want to be Facebook friends with him. While repeatedly ignoring a friend request admittedly isn’t the same as a public shouting match, it still is an inconvenience that takes place as a result of denying a friend request, making it easier to simply accept someone instead. Perhaps one day I’ll realize this for myself, and accept the poor high school boy who apparently has nothing better to do with his time than attempt to view my Facebook profile.
Facebook allows its users to maintain an unlimited number of relationships by making it incredibly easy to establish a connection (click “Add *name* as a friend” and wait for the person to confirm or deny the request). However, many of these relationships only exist in the digital world, and do not carry over into the physical. Christopher Allen, an entrepreneur, advisor and technologist from California, explores the difference between meaningful relationships and just connections in his blog Life With Alacrity. One of his main points involves the theory of the Dunbar Number, which says that humans only have the cognitive ability to maintain 150 stable relationships at any given time (Allen, 2004). Allen uses his own knowledge and experience along with others’ research to determine how this ties in with the interconnectedness of online networks, and found that 150 is the approximate number of contributing group members in several different online communities. However, Allen also suggests that “a community size of 150 will not be a mean for a community unless it is highly incentivized to remain together” (Allen, 2004). There are some people whose professions require a large base network, such as politicians, but these people have a great motivation to maintain stable relations with vast amounts of people. Allen further explores the concept of preserving a cognitively impossible number of friendships in his entry “Dunbar Triage: Too Many Connections” (2006). He offers a variety of ideas, one of which is the prioritization of connections. This seems rather unreasonable though, because the rejection would be incredibly offensive. He correctly poses the question, “How do you tell someone ‘I’m sorry, but I’m overly Dunbarred, so I have removed you from my list’” (Allen, 2006). A second solution that requires technological support from social networking sites themselves is a program that would remind users about connections that may have been unutilized for quite some time. Allen provides the example of the networking site Spoke, which has a “Keep In Touch” feature that reminds the user to contact his or her friends every so often (Allen, 2006).
In applying Allen’s thoughts and ideas to Facebook, we see that Zuckerberg and the other Facebook administrators have attempted to create their own solution to overextension of connections that combines Allen’s proposals. Users can now categorize their friends into separate lists at their own disposal, with as few or as many lists as they please. The categories are nameable per user; for example, my own lists include “Alpha Betas” (my pledge class for my sorority), and “Home Friends”. These lists are in addition to the networks that Facebook already allows users to join when they create a profile, and that other users within the same network can see (if one’s security settings allow). By having lists for each separate group of friends or acquaintances, Facebook users have the ability to categorize their Friends based on who they want or need to contact most often, otherwise known as prioritizing like Allen suggests.
There are a few ways that Facebook currently reminds its users about Friends that may have been forgotten. When a Facebook user clicks the “Friends” tab at the top of his or her homepage, the website automatically generates a list of users based on who has updated their status most recently (a user’s status is an option that allows users to express what they’re doing or how they’re feeling that is displayed right on the profile). By choosing a non-partisan way of creating a Friends list, Facebook can remind users of who they have connected to at some point but may not have spoken to recently. This allows users to retain knowledge of their connections without specifically telling them to contact anyone. By clicking the “Friends” tab, users can also view whoever has just updated their profile. This is another fairly random fashion of refreshing the Friends list, because you never know who has just gotten sick of their entire profile and decided to revamp it. In these ways, Facebook has tried to make it possible to maintain a higher number of relationships than the Dunbar number hypothesizes.
One of the main points of social networks is to display the connections that have been established between users. On any given Facebook profile, six other users’ profile pictures are displayed from the main network of whoever’s profile you’re looking at. These profile pictures can connect you to the user’s profile if their security settings allow, or can just inform you of who else from that network is on Facebook. If you share common friends with whoever’s profile you’re viewing, up to 3 of them are displayed as well. This allows people to make connections where connections are unlikely. This has happened to me on a few occasions. The most impressive one was when I saw that a girl that I had met in one of my EDU classes freshman year was friends with a girl I graduated high school with. I asked Katherine how she knew this girl, because we weren’t from the same area and I had been attending school with Charise since kindergarten, so I knew she hadn’t gone to school anywhere else. As it turns out, the two girls had recently become cousins by marriage. By putting “Friendships” out in the open for anyone to see, Facebook is establishing what danah boyd and Judith Donath, head of the Media Lab’s Sociable Media group, call “public displays of connection”. In their 2004 article of the same name, the two explore how people have come to view the internet as a social space and how the connections established through networking sites reflect upon each individual user.
Connections established between users on a social networking site generally have four things in common: they are mutual, public, unnuanced, and decontextualized. Links between users are mutual in that both parties have to approve of the link; they are public because other users can see them (even with certain security settings, users that someone has connected to can still view all of his or her Friends); they are unnuanced as there is no differentiation between close friends and mere acquaintances; and they are decontextualized in the way that there is no possible way to only show a portion of the network to the public (Donath & boyd, 2004). The links that are established between friends on Facebook fall into all these generalizations in some way, shape, or form. A “Friendship” can only be created if one user requests a connection and the other approves, and there is a link that lists a user’s connections available on every profile. Furthermore, everyone a user connects to is a Friend regardless of their actual relationship, and all of a user’s Friends (and for some, everyone in their network) can see every connection the user has made. In these ways, Facebook Friendships are common to every connection established by social networking sites, but there are a few ways in which Facebook is unique.
In many of danah boyd’s works, she examines other networking sites such as Friendster or MySpace, and on these sites it is common for users to create pseudonyms that mask the user’s true identity. In “Public displays of connection”, boyd and Donath discuss how a user’s network of friend provides validity to others who may want to connect to someone. On social networking sites, pseudonyms can decrease a user’s legitimacy in the eyes of others (Donath & boyd, 2004). With Facebook, however, most users refuse to Friend someone unless he or she knows them (Klassen & Hampp, 2007). When a group of your friends that you already know and trust connect to someone, you will be more willing to connect to that person as well because you have the verification from mutual acquaintances that it is the profile of the actual person. As boyd and Donath put it, “Knowing that someone is connected to people one already knows and trusts is one of the most basic ways of establishing trust with a new relationship” (Donath & boyd, 2004). Unfortunately, very few Facebook users connect only to people that they personally know well and trust, but the intent of Facebook is a step in the right direction to legitimize social networking sites.
Donath and boyd compare how public displays of connection are exhibited in the physical world and the digital world.
References
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